I swear it was the most boring, tedious, mind numbing day today where not even balancing a pen on my nose, gossiping with co-workers or writing sex at my desk could make the day go quickly. It was so boring that I began to think that watching paint drying was an underrated hobby. Anyway as I sat there half asleep pretending I was actually concentrating deeply and not just staring inanely at the screen, I started to think about stuff I don’t get. This was sparked after I went for my usual walk at lunchtime to reassure myself that there was a world outside the parallel universe I am stuck at 8 hours-a-frigging-day. Anyway it was cold and windy - which is just wrong for winter in sub tropical Brisbane - and I thought stuff it I will have a hot chocolate. So I bought one on the way back. I was asked at the cafe how many marshmallows do I want in my drink? I don’t understand the whole marshmallows in hot chocolate thing. Where did that come from? What soul decided that would be a good thing to stuff gelatinous, squishy sugary things into a cup of warm liquid? Mind you they should have patented the idea because everyone seems to do it - but me of course. That got me thinking, in my intense coma of boredom, about other stuff I don’t get…
-I don’t understand why toasted marshmallows are a big deal. Why do people get excited at the thought of gooey insides?
- What’s with the hole in the lid of a takeaway coffee cup? You have a lid put on so you don’t spill…then there’s a hole in it - which means you could spill. Yes I know it's to drink out of. I just don’t get why adults need to drink from something an uncoordinated small child would drink from. And how many women would drink from that sipper hole where you would ruin your lipstick? Who’s idea was that?
- What’s the deal with people who have to call all woman Mrs Jones, Mrs Smith, Mrs Brown etc? To me, it’s overly politically correct. You cannot lump all women of a certain age into the ‘Mrs’ bracket.
- And have you ever noticed that teenagers who get married insist on calling themselves Mrs Black or whatever name so you know they are married? You had a first name before you married him, sweetie - try and keep some identity. And it's not like ‘Mrs’ is a title like Queen or princess…and I don’t get me started on the whole monarchy thing where people are considered ‘majestic’ when they are fairly bloody ordinary.
- And what about people who want you to listen to them but they don’t listen to you and when you point that out to them they get offended - well here’s the thing - don’t offend me by not listening.
- I still don't understand, despite all the hoo-ha over ultra thin models on the catwalk, why we still see them and why the media goes crazy when a so-called plus sized woman enters a beauty competition. It’s about beauty isn’t it?
- And why people turn up to reality TV show auditions and think they can sing or dance when they bloody can’t and they get all upset because the judges tell then to go away. Why doesn’t someone they love tell them “Neville – you can’t dance worth a damn and as a singer you make grown men think your testicles are in a knot.” The greatest service you can do for a friend is offer them a reality check.
- And have you ever noticed that teenagers who get married insist on calling themselves Mrs Black or whatever name so you know they are married? You had a first name before you married him, sweetie - try and keep some identity. And it's not like ‘Mrs’ is a title like Queen or princess…and I don’t get me started on the whole monarchy thing where people are considered ‘majestic’ when they are fairly bloody ordinary.
- And what about people who want you to listen to them but they don’t listen to you and when you point that out to them they get offended - well here’s the thing - don’t offend me by not listening.
- I still don't understand, despite all the hoo-ha over ultra thin models on the catwalk, why we still see them and why the media goes crazy when a so-called plus sized woman enters a beauty competition. It’s about beauty isn’t it?
- And why people turn up to reality TV show auditions and think they can sing or dance when they bloody can’t and they get all upset because the judges tell then to go away. Why doesn’t someone they love tell them “Neville – you can’t dance worth a damn and as a singer you make grown men think your testicles are in a knot.” The greatest service you can do for a friend is offer them a reality check.
- what about people who insist on having 60 items in the 8 items or less check-out and then they get pissed off when you point that out to them - well what? Did you think we wouldn’t notice? Thought you could just slip in there and look all casual?
- I don’t get why drivers speed up towards you when you are using a pedestrian crossing. Ever noticed that? What? Are you supposed to run across it? Do they want you to be afraid?
- Or when you are overtaking a slow driver on the highway and they suddenly speed up? It’s not a game and no one is going to think less of you if you can’t keep up.
- Any what is it with non-disabled people who park in designated disabled parking spots? What's that about? Pig ignorant or plain lazy?
- Why people have Ipods attached like suckers to their ears and the music is so loud that you can hear it without the ear phones? How is that personalized music?
- Why does the bank insist on charging bank service fees for a no frills service where they don't provide any counter service?
I could go on and on…see where boredom gets you? And sure - what does it all matter? It doesn't - it's just the imponderables in life that strike you as you are making a chain out of all the paperclips in your desk drawer to stay awake.
What don't you get? Come on…I can’t be the only person making paperclip jewelry.
Please note – I was so bored I have a cat picture.
www.amarindajones.com
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Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?
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